Episode 140: The Quiet Years of Marriage

What Are the “Quiet Years?”

After listening to Episode 340 of the The Secret to Success Podcast’s Jemal King talk about the “Quiet Years,” something shifted for Glen and gave him this “Aha!” moment. The Quiet Years describes the time period after everyone in your community is done having babies and before they graduate high school. The quiet comes from the lack of celebrations during this period: bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, etc. Your closest friends around the same age as you are done with the excitement that comes with all these new seasons, and are raising kids and getting through the day by day of familial life.

Why Are the “Quiet Years” Difficult?

This period is hard for a few reasons, one being that this is the time when you hear the most divorces start to pop up. And for the marriages that stick, it’s easy to forget to prioritize your spouse and only see them in passing. The glamor is gone, and it takes real work to acquire the skills you’ll need to become the people you want to be when the “Exciting Years” start back up with high school graduations. For Glen & Yvette, sometimes keeping up with their lives: the kids, the business, etc, feels like it’s creating a space between them and their love because they’re trying to do all these things.

Jemal and his wife were missing each other due to opposite schedules early in their marriage, so when the time came where they did not have to do that, his wife stayed home and not only did that open up their time to see each other, but it also created an avenue for them to work on an aligned vision together.  He says, “I didn’t know our actual life would get in the way of our love. There’s a need not just for working in the marriage, but also working on the marriage.”

How to Combat “The Quiet Years”

Having community around you is one of the best ways to make those “quiet years” not so quiet. In a mental wellness time, we are removing things that aren’t serving us, and sometimes that means a lack of community. Outside of protection is when you grow, so navigating that balance is essential. 

For Yvette, adding special events or appointments allows her to have something to look forward to. Setting a weekly date night aside has also been huge in Glen & Yvette’s relationship, but guarding it like it’s sacred is something they are working on and recommend doing when scheduling date nights.

Therapy can also be a great tool for combating the “Quiet Years” and growing your marital relationship, but make sure it’s really what you want. You never know how they will change as they heal, and sometimes those changes are big ones. Communicate your expectations.

Setting Up Realistic Expectations for Your Spouse

After discussing how much we as a society look to the media for what we should expect our real marriages to look like, CJ from the podcast states, “I would rather have my wife than my expectations.” Sometimes we set unrealistic expectations upon our spouses based on what a movie or show represents, which doesn’t reflect what their marriage is or needs. But on the other end, Glen notes that we show up in marriage exactly how we can. When expectations are set, we can show up how we are able, try to do better in the spaces that need improvement, and where we fail, grace fills. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s also okay to communicate your expectations with your spouse and allow them to say no or make edits based on what they are capable of.

Yvette is learning that she prioritizes her comfort and sometimes she needs to push through, such as closing the kitchen before bed so she can wake up in the morning and do her Bible study instead of having to skip it to do the dishes. It may sometimes be easier to restart, but it is better for us long term if we push through. The same applies to the “Quiet Years!” It’s time to push through because the end result is so much better!

To Other Couples in Their Quiet Years

You’re not alone. Preparing yourself for the quiet years is communicating up front. What do you need from your spouse? Living only for the exciting years could mean there’s an identity issue lying beneath the surface fearing life has no meaning without celebrations. Life is celebrating in the little things, and it’s our choice to make life fun!

Thank you for listening and reading the show notes for this week’s episode!

The HMAY Team

Become a Patron!

The Premarital Advantage Course!

What Are the “Quiet Years?”

After listening to Episode 340 of the The Secret to Success Podcast’s Jemal King talk about the “Quiet Years,” something shifted for Glen and gave him this “Aha!” moment. The Quiet Years describes the time period after everyone in your community is done having babies and before they graduate high school. The quiet comes from the lack of celebrations during this period: bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, etc. Your closest friends around the same age as you are done with the excitement that comes with all these new seasons, and are raising kids and getting through the day by day of familial life.

Why Are the “Quiet Years” Difficult?

This period is hard for a few reasons, one being that this is the time when you hear the most divorces start to pop up. And for the marriages that stick, it’s easy to forget to prioritize your spouse and only see them in passing. The glamor is gone, and it takes real work to acquire the skills you’ll need to become the people you want to be when the “Exciting Years” start back up with high school graduations. For Glen & Yvette, sometimes keeping up with their lives: the kids, the business, etc, feels like it’s creating a space between them and their love because they’re trying to do all these things.

Jemal and his wife were missing each other due to opposite schedules early in their marriage, so when the time came where they did not have to do that, his wife stayed home and not only did that open up their time to see each other, but it also created an avenue for them to work on an aligned vision together.  He says, “I didn’t know our actual life would get in the way of our love. There’s a need not just for working in the marriage, but also working on the marriage.”

How to Combat “The Quiet Years”

Having community around you is one of the best ways to make those “quiet years” not so quiet. In a mental wellness time, we are removing things that aren’t serving us, and sometimes that means a lack of community. Outside of protection is when you grow, so navigating that balance is essential. 

For Yvette, adding special events or appointments allows her to have something to look forward to. Setting a weekly date night aside has also been huge in Glen & Yvette’s relationship, but guarding it like it’s sacred is something they are working on and recommend doing when scheduling date nights.

Therapy can also be a great tool for combating the “Quiet Years” and growing your marital relationship, but make sure it’s really what you want. You never know how they will change as they heal, and sometimes those changes are big ones. Communicate your expectations.

Setting Up Realistic Expectations for Your Spouse

After discussing how much we as a society look to the media for what we should expect our real marriages to look like, CJ from the podcast states, “I would rather have my wife than my expectations.” Sometimes we set unrealistic expectations upon our spouses based on what a movie or show represents, which doesn’t reflect what their marriage is or needs. But on the other end, Glen notes that we show up in marriage exactly how we can. When expectations are set, we can show up how we are able, try to do better in the spaces that need improvement, and where we fail, grace fills. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s also okay to communicate your expectations with your spouse and allow them to say no or make edits based on what they are capable of.

Yvette is learning that she prioritizes her comfort and sometimes she needs to push through, such as closing the kitchen before bed so she can wake up in the morning and do her Bible study instead of having to skip it to do the dishes. It may sometimes be easier to restart, but it is better for us long term if we push through. The same applies to the “Quiet Years!” It’s time to push through because the end result is so much better!

To Other Couples in Their Quiet Years

You’re not alone. Preparing yourself for the quiet years is communicating up front. What do you need from your spouse? Living only for the exciting years could mean there’s an identity issue lying beneath the surface fearing life has no meaning without celebrations. Life is celebrating in the little things, and it’s our choice to make life fun!

Thank you for listening and reading the show notes for this week’s episode!

The HMAY Team

Become a Patron!

The Premarital Advantage Course!

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